Trying to sell a home with AstroTurf

Sell a Home with AstroTurfThere are lots of things in this world that are fake.  From a knock-off Rolex to a pair of breasts, you never know what’s real these days.  This is the sort of dilemma my neighbours found themselves in when trying to sell their home.  You see, their house was a “real” beauty.  It had wall-to-wall hardwood, a gorgeous kitchen fit for a chef, and a master bath that rivaled the luxury of a bathroom in the Ritz Carlton penthouse suite.

Problem was the “fake” bits lurking about on the front lawn.  No, I’m not talking about their cheesy deer statues and squirrel figurines that replicate a natural ravine.  I’m talking about the grass.  That grass was so fake you could see the sun dancing about on that hot, plastic mess.

Honestly, who were my neighbours trying to kid?  My plastic Christmas tree looked more genuine than their artificial turf.

And yet, my neighbours decorated the crap out of their front lawn — all in the name of “curb appeal”.  Yes, the potted hydrangeas are pretty.  And those solar lamps show that you have a hippy-like charm that cares about the good Earth.  But you’re not fooling anyone by dressing up the grass to make us not notice (or forget!) that the whole thing is a sham.  Their efforts reminded me of some twisted “hair transplant” gone terribly wrong …

Bill:  “Hey honey, our lawn is bald.  Grab the AstroTurf.  Let’s lay down some hair on this patch!”
Jane:  “Hmm.  Now our lawn looks fake, sweetie.  Even faker than my boob job.”
Bill:  “That’s alright.  Let’s bust out some decorations to keep things looking ‘real’.”

Congratulations.  Now your yard looks like something the circus threw up.

Apparently, I wasn’t the only one thinking this.  I’ve seen potential buyers pull up to the house, look around inside, then come back out to examine the exterior.  That’s when their otherwise pleasant faces turn to ones of disgust.  No, it’s not the tacky plastic animals that are making them cringe.  It’s the fake fuzz, trust me.

Bill and Jane’s house was on the market for a month, with not a single offer.  One day, as I was putting away my bicycle, I happened to see them fidgeting about with those stupid toy squirrels.  I casually pointed out that perhaps it’s their fake lawn that was putting off potential buyers.  Bill was defiant and Jane was offended.  I then told them it was about as appealing as covering the yard in Velcro — to which Jane replied that she’d like to Velcro my face. Whatever that means.

There’s really no point to this story, except that it’s a lesson on trying to sell a home with AstroTurf.  Don’t do it.  It’s been three months and my neighbour’s house is still on the market.  Unless your house is the Rogers Centre there’s no excuse for fake grass.  Ever In life.

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